Question: My father lives with my husband and me. His cognitive health is declining, and I feel it is time to transition him to a memory care community. A few of my siblings agree with my decision, but there are two who oppose it. I would like to know the best way to move forward.
It can be incredibly challenging when some family members don’t agree with memory care. When you and your family disagree with the decision to move your father to memory care or assisted living, it’s hard to know where to turn or what to do.
The first thing to understand is that if they disagree with your decision, they aren’t necessarily bad people, and they probably don’t mean to be difficult. They care about your dad and want what’s best for him. But they may not have the facts, or they may be in denial. They may feel that if they agree to move your dad, they admit that he has dementia.
Deciding whether assisted living or memory care is best for your dad isn’t a decision you should make by yourself. While you’re certainly the one who’s probably spent the most time with your dad and knows what’s best, you’ll want to ensure that you’re making the right decision for everyone.
Most families agree about the need for memory care. Some families, however, have mixed feelings about whether it’s time to move a loved one into a memory care community. When your family is split on the issue, it can be hard to know how to proceed.
Memory Care Disagreements
Some of the common reasons for disagreement about memory care include:
• Not recognizing the severity of the situation – Some family members may not be able to see their loved one’s condition as you do. They may be in denial or don’t want to admit that their loved one has a serious medical condition.
• Not wanting to give up their role as caretaker -Your loved one’s primary caregiver may not want to admit they’ve reached a point where they can no longer adequately manage their loved one’s needs on their own.
• Not wanting to move forward without everyone on board – Some family members may see resistance from others as an excuse not to decide, even if they know it’s best for their loved one.
10 Tips on Talking with Family Members About Memory Care
While you may feel guilty about suggesting that your dad moves into a memory care facility, keep in mind that you are doing so to improve his quality of life and preserve his safety. If your family members disagree with your decision, try the following:
1. Remain Calm and Listen to Others
The first thing you need to do is remain calm and listen to what your family members say. They may have valid points and concerns that need to be addressed. Ask questions and take notes so you can fully understand where they’re coming from.
You can also share your concerns and why memory care might be a good fit for your loved one. But leave yourself open for discussion and allow space for your siblings to ask questions or express concerns.
2. Focus on Your Dad’s Safety
Explain to the other family members that safety is your primary concern. If your dad wanders off and gets lost, it can lead to serious consequences.
Your local law enforcement agency will likely search for him immediately, but they may not be prepared or trained to handle someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. If he isn’t found quickly, he may become even more confused and disoriented as time passes, which increases the risk of falling or becoming injured in another way.
Memory care facilities have safety measures so residents won’t get lost or go wandering out of a secure facility. They also have staff on hand who can assist with simple tasks like taking medication correctly.
If your loved one has had any dangerous incidents at home — getting lost while driving, forgetting to turn off the stove, or leaving water running — let him know that these issues won’t happen in memory care.
3. Talk About the Added Stress
Caring for a senior with dementia or Alzheimer’s disease can be exhausting. You’ll need breaks and time away from him to recharge your batteries.
If you don’t take breaks and feel overwhelmed, handling your dad’s needs becomes harder, and your patience wears thin. When this happens, it often causes tension among family members. Memory care programs give caregivers a break so that they’re refreshed and ready to go when they return to their duties.
4. Reassure Family Members That You Will be There for Your Dad
Even though he will live at a memory care facility, you will still see him and visit. You can still enjoy his company and fulfill his needs or requests. You can also encourage family members to visit him to see firsthand what he needs and what memory care offers.
5. Emphasize the Support System of Memory Care Facilities
Let them know that memory care is designed to be a supportive environment where your dad can respectfully get the help he needs. Explain that there will be professionals on hand to assist with personal care, medications, and other day-to-day tasks.
These places are designed specifically to help individuals with cognitive impairments, so they should be able to provide care for your dad even if you can’t visit him every day.
6. Discuss the Costs of Memory Care
While money is not always the most important factor, it needs to be discussed when considering memory care. Memory care facilities are more expensive than regular assisted living facilities because they offer a higher level of care and more specialized services. The costs of memory care vary depending on location and additional amenities, but they can range from $4,000-$8,000 per month.
This part can be difficult since it involves money, but the more people understand the financial side of things, the easier it will be to reach a consensus. Bring along any information you have about costs and financing options so everyone can get a clear picture of what they’ll need to pay and how much they’ll need to pay out of pocket.
7. Show You are Doing Research and Planning Ahead
Whether or not family members agree with your decision, you must show them that you are doing the research and planning ahead. This can help alleviate their concerns about the process and make sure their voices are included in the final decision.
Be prepared with facts and figures. Your family may think they know everything there is to know about memory care, but they probably don’t. Be sure you’re up-to-date on all the latest information from research studies so you can answer their questions and calm any fears.
Do your homework before choosing a community. There are many great memory care communities, but some provide better care than others. If you choose a community with good reviews and a proven track record of providing quality memory care services, it will be easier for your family to see why this is a good choice for your dad.
8. Visit Some Memory Care Homes Together with Your Siblings
If you have siblings who hold concerns about your dad moving into memory care, you may want to visit some homes together. As a family, choose two or three different memory care residences in your area to tour during the same day. You can use this as an opportunity to compare and contrast the various homes and see what each one has to offer for residents.
For example, one home may provide more frequent access to medical care than others, while another may offer a wider range of activities that cater to your parent’s interests. After visiting these places together, you and your siblings can discuss the various options and hopefully agree on what’s best for your dad’s future needs.
9. Be Empathetic and Curious About Their Objections
Ask them to share more about it. Don’t be afraid to ask tough questions if you need to understand the root of their concerns. Then respond with empathy and compassion, letting them know that you are on the same team, even if you may have different points of view on the best way forward for your loved one.
10. Talk to a Certified Senior Advisor
Discussing your dad’s safety and well-being should take precedence over any sibling conflict during these discussions. If a sibling continues to disagree with you after these conversations, seek advice from a Certified Senior Advisor on how to move forward.
A Certified Senior Advisor (CSA) is a specialist who has been trained in a variety of topics affecting seniors and their families. CSAs can help you understand what options are available for assisted living care, including memory care facilities that can help if your dad has Alzheimer’s or dementia.
They’ll also be able to explain why memory care is needed and how it will benefit your dad’s quality of life. A person living with dementia needs specialized care that most families aren’t equipped to provide on their own, no matter how much they love them and want to help them.
When Some Family Members Don't Agree with Memory Care - Conclusion
Caring for a loved one with dementia can be extremely challenging. Furthermore, the situation is likely to become even more complicated when not everyone involved agrees with how a memory care facility should be run. What can you do in these situations?
Since you are the main caregiver and since everyone else involved loves your dad, it’s up to you to try and develop a solution that pleases everyone. In other words, no matter how difficult the situation may seem, it’s important to keep calm and voice your concerns to those involved.
Work together as much as possible and carefully consider all possible solutions before one is accepted as fact.
For more information, contact one of our memory care experts today.
